| Rebuilding lives affected by domestic violence and sexual assault through advocacy, shelter, counseling, and education |
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Why Victims Stay
People who stay in violent relationships undergo gradual steps of reasoning to reconcile the violence in their minds. The reasons a victim stays may change as the violence in the relationship progresses.
| AT FIRST, he/she stays because: |
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5 Things to Say
to a Victim Reluctant to Leave a Violent Situation (or who is returning to one)
I am afraid for your safety
I am afraid for the safety of your children
It will only get worse
I am here for you when you are ready to leave
You deserve better than this
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- he/she loves him/her
- he/she believes she/he will grow up or change
- he/she believes he/she can control the beatings by doing as he/she says; cleaning the house, keeping the children quiet, having dinner on time, etc.
- he/she believes that he/she can convince him/her that he/she loves him/her (and end his/her jealousy)
- he/she believes it is his/her duty to make the relationship work
- he/she believes he/she can reason with him/her
- he/she believes him/her when he/she says that he/she is sorry and won't do it again
- he/she's embarrassed for him/her and/or himself/herself, so he/she seldom seeks help
- he/she's afraid of what will happen if the police get involved
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| LATER, a victims stays because: |
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- he/she loves him, but less
- he/she hopes he/she will change or get help
- he/she is under pressure from family or friends to stay
- he/she believes he/she loves and needs him/her
- he/she is afraid to be alone
- he/she believes he/she can't support him/herself
- he/she believes his/her promises that he/she will change and that they'll start living the life he/she dreams of, that he/she will get counseling, that he'll stop abusing drugs or alcohol, etc.
- he/she is confused
- he/she is increasingly afraid of his/her partner's violence and may see lethality in his/her out of control behaviors
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| FINALLY, he/she stays because: |
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- fear: he/she has become tremendously powerful in his/her eyes
- he/she threatens to kill him/her or the children or his/her family
- he/she has developed low self-esteem
- he/she believes no one can love her/him
- he/she believes he/she can't survive alone
- he/she is very confused and feels guilty: "he/she cares, he/she beats me, I must be bad, I must deserve this, I don't know why"
- he/she becomes depressed and immobile. Decisions are difficult, sometimes even impossible for him/her to make.
- he/she believes he/she has no control over his/her life
- he/she feels hopeless and helpless
- he/she believes he/she has no other options
- he/she has developed serious emotional or physical problems
- he/she becomes suicidal and homicidal
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